I can follow. I have done it all my life. But i hate following something that teleports here and there every few minutes.

I hate this Depressing atmosphere in me

I am tired physically and emotionally. doing butoh today just reminded me of the nightmares I had to go through. i practiced, but not enough concentration I guess. No, I seriously had 0 focus. the stupid sounds and everything was depressing. basically I after the whole thing I was a sad stink bomb. Seriously, it was like a 200m dash, and after that I smell like overnight wet socks. I don’t know how the people around me could stand it except that I tried to walk further behind them so that they could breathe fresh air haha.

rrr Since i started nothing has become better. Seriously in all my creative indiv work, my ideas come at the beginning. So it sounds really cool. But then, the standard peeks and stops there. When I first started. Even my monologue. i only practiced like 2 times before the exam but I can tell you, even if I practiced 2 months more, it won’t be any better. Maybe I would look more at the audience or I would act better but there will be no more ideas. ((

Ah well, it is depressing to feel that I have no better idea than butoh so i have to do it for A’s  although I have no technique at all. Only now I realise what I am going to put myself through : pain, immense pain and emo darkness shit. Seriously that’s Butoh.

2 things I learnt

These past few weeks I thought was wasted, but I really learnt 2 things and it is summed up by today’s sermons. I really would regret if I had not gone.

1. Faith

Faith is something really hard for me. Man are logical creatures and faith means to give up reasoning. That’s why it is so hard. I realised/ was reminded of this by pastor and the existentialist book fifi and ham were reading.

However, I will only reap what I sow in faith, in waiting. I will never know how long to wait but I have to. So many times, even the most righteous men in the Bible will go through the worst situations like job, paul, david. they leave a legacy because of their faith. The bible never conforms to logic.

2. Fear

Fear of the lord leads to 2 things: Treasure and worship.

Treasure everything he has given, WOG, KOG, etc and praise him for it! Now this I really cannot fully put into words, the understanding I have gotten but I really see how important it is to love it above all else. So that I would have uncompromising, grounded faith so that I won’t shake AGAIN. Which leads back to being faithful, in the world, treasuring his word over the temptations of the world.

Worship, to give thanks, to rest, to soak in his presence. To remember him who gave me blessings. I remember how I got strength from it and it was even better than sleeping 12h. And he even promised that on the 6th day, I will reap 2 fold. And I really agree. Nothing beats the strength and concentration he will give.

The pastor was amazing. more than half of what he spoke, I recognise from the bible. I really wanted to copy all the verses that he spoke without stating the source(chapter/book). But I could not, it was just too many. This is when I know that it is not merely bible study that could be interpreted in the wrong way. This is when i know the HS is speaking through the very words of the Bible. if it were a smaller bible study session I could just imagine the people completing his sentences in unison. may not have the power of the musical atmosphere but the power of the HS and the unity of the people. I remember hearing this in a cg session my mum once brought me to. POWERFUL.

Also, while worshiping, I realise. TSD has really become one of my gods. I treasure it too much. The main reason is that I won’t be able to do it in the future cus of parental objection. I realised the power of parental objection in christianity is that you treasure it even more haha. And really, I won’t experience earth with god ever again too. compared to the 6000 years of earth before me and the eternity later, what is 100 years? What is 20 years of youth?

Yup, I am so glad that I grew my roots today! I need the grounding in god. I don’t wanna lose sight of him ever again.

fun, joy and laughter.

PW and no school in general has been such a bore that I have had nothing much to blog! Except maybe a long bus ride with the tsd kids and miss n’s makan treat at her place.

-.- tsd has really became my life. Now the danger is that 2 years of devoting myself to one thing AGAIN will just leave me missing, almost regretting afterwards. Nope I won’t! Cus I won’t be able to this ever again remember?

So fast an academic year is over, although I felt that I had like 3 years worth of school. After promos i just felt like my brain stopped working, stopped having fun. I would often lapse into “stoning mode”. But I am not really looking forward to going back to school for 2 weeks 2moro. Especially since for TSD, it is design! I HATE drawing. Argh, time to start working for A levels!

(Yes I know I should have worked since the beginning, since As are like 1000 times harder >.<)

SORE THROAT!

I feel like I am swallowing a huge painful meatball everytime I swallow my saliva! And it has been making me irriated and irritatingly down.

BUT! whenever I am down, I see my lovely feet and smile Shuyi helped me paint my toe nails. LOVE her hahaha. So she encourages me even when she is not there! hahaha

now I know what mani and pedi are for.

ty guys for the bday wishes:)

Today was just like any other day, other than people wishing me happy birthday and my mum making ox tail stew and failed. haha the stew tasted like chinese tomato and beef soup! hahahahaha It is supposed to be the best day of the year. But honestly, I think I love so many more days better. Whether it is sleepovers with chloe or tsd outings (especially the ones after long, hard slogging that is great too! haha)

Happy bday hamster!

Why am I not elated to see the over 70 sms and facebook bday wishes?  Cus about half of them don’t exactly know me. A year ago I would be so happy with the 10-20 messages I got and the bday celebration with my friends and family.

lalalala

Had an unexpected bday celebration today. My cousins came over and brought their kids. I was doing a review and I&R, ignoring them half the time which I felt bad for. Anyways, I did go out of my room and played with them.

Damn cus the previous posted review was super cheem, I got intimidated. Plus, I tend to type whatever comes to mind so it may have seemed incoherent and the analogies I used might not even make sense……. ah well. That’s life.

Had PW in the morn and then church. I was so sleepy by then cus I woke up before 7am for dunno what reason. Then my cousins came. Lucky they come, if not I would have slept and not do any HW or even post this.

kk nights!

Steph

PW and CL for nearly 10h! I am so proud of myself

lol.

Its been quite long since tsd has been tsd. We are kinda back to the days with plays to go to and reviews to write. Which is a really long time ago.

Hamid thought I had worked with him for a year already but it has been no more than 4 months. That’s why I feel that this year’s gonna feel like 3/4 years. Its as if Mangay left on the first year, before everything started, CX left on the third year and now we are nearing the end/start of the 4th year with a few people leaving. It’s as if the ‘years’ are marked with ppl leaving….ah well, that’s life. People come and go after each transition of your life.

I know I am living because of friends, family, love and laughter. Earning a living is hard. Sometimes I understand Boo’s need to love. I really need to love! to sacrifice, to comfort, to be there. CB2 was my greatest pain, but it was my greatest ministry. I don’t mean to be saddist but I love that pain. I guess that is why I love TSD. Cus it is the only thing I have now that makes me willingly sacrifice and work hard.

I guess to me love is sacrifice and grateful/loving pain. That is why I say I “really love” CB2, Chloe, TSD,musical and my brother. Cus I have never sacrificed for anything else.

P.S. sorry for the incoherence/jumping from one thought to the other. I am kinda trying to find out more about myself lol.

having TSD everyday for the last 2 weeks of school woohoo!

oh no I am coughing. Fifi spread it to me! I think I also sorta scratched my eye, literally. PAIN!

Looking at the sota kids reminds me of seeing their curriculum and school building in the newspapers last year. I really felt that I don’t mind repeating a few years of education for it. Even so, it is nearly impossible for me to join sota.

TSD may have been stressful but it has only made me love theatre so so much more. Before TSD I really can’t say I love theatre cus I hated drama club. But now I think I really love it.

Ah well, after these 2 years, I suppose I will never have a chance to touch theatre again anyway. sigh……….

Anyways, WR is finally over! Woohoo! and my mum just topped up money for me for the theatre stuff DD Even though I keep asking for money this year, she say I am very sensible, spend very wisely. LOL Aiya, at least I didn’t shop the whole of last year to make up for it, not even for CNY.

o and Happy Birthday to: Jasmine, Hamid, Me and Yu yang!!!!!

Void

I went to watch a play yesterday. There was a whole class of sec 1 ballet sota kids there. I looked at their prim and proper hair and their young faces and was so jealous. They are so young and they get to watch this kind of play, which by the way mist be subsidiesed/paid for for them only. They are really a priveledged bunch of performers.

LOL I still can’t believe they can watch this kinda thing. I mean it was about globalisation and capitalism. When I was 15, my teacher introduced the word to our class and I couldn’t even begin to grasp what the word meant. If they have the maturity of thought to watch these kinda things, I wish I was in sota when i was in sec school. O level sure own english hahahahha can study philo also hahah

anyways, pw is in an hour’s time, better get ready……